Resources / Loneliness / Setting Boundaries in Relationships: How to & Examples
10 min read
Last updated 4/24/25
By: Kelsey Cottingham, MSW, LMSW
Clinical Reviewer: Jill Donelan, PsyD
Setting Boundaries: How to Help Out Without Burning Out
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by someone else’s needs, unsure how to say “no,” or drained by your relationships, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries in relationships can feel uncomfortable—or even selfish—but learning to identify and communicate your limits is one of the most powerful forms of self-care.
This guide will help you understand what boundaries are, why they matter, and how to set them—so you can protect your energy, feel more in control, and build healthier relationships.
We’ll explore what boundaries look like in real life, break down different types (emotional, mental, physical, and more), and share practical examples for setting boundaries with partners, friends, family, and coworkers. You’ll also learn how to spot unhealthy boundaries—and how to adjust yours when needed.
What are boundaries and why do they matter?
In this context, boundaries are the invisible lines that define what we’re comfortable with—and what we’re not. In relationships, they communicate our emotional, physical, and mental limits. They’re not about shutting people out; they’re about protecting our well-being, honoring our needs, and fostering mutual respect.¹
While it might seem counterintuitive, setting healthy boundaries lets others know what is OK (in addition to what is not). In this way, setting boundaries can actually help us develop closer and more connected relationships. We are much more likely to let others get close when the “rules of engagement" are clear. The important people in our lives will be less likely to engage in behaviors that make us feel uncomfortable, and we can then be more open with them.
Boundaries also help us pause, reflect, and respond to what we need in the moment—especially when life circumstances shift. They allow us to make intentional choices based on our present capacity rather than defaulting to old patterns.²
The ideal balance lies in setting boundaries that preserve your well-being while nurturing relationships. Identifying these extremes can guide you toward healthier, more adaptable limits.
When our personal boundaries are clear, we can better protect our energy and stay grounded in what matters most. Healthy boundaries help us:
- Avoid burnout, resentment, and compassion fatigue
- Stay aligned with our values
- Protect our emotional well-being and physical safety
- Prevent codependency and enabling
- Communicate more clearly
- Build trust and respect
- Reinforce our sense of self-worth and self-love
Boundaries in relationships matter—whether it’s telling your boss you’re unavailable after hours, letting a friend know you can’t be their enabler, or asking your partner for space. When we set respectful limits, we can show up more fully without losing ourselves in the process.
7 types of boundaries in relationships
Each type of boundary serves a different purpose and can show up differently depending on the relationship. These seven types of boundaries can help you identify where limits might be needed:
- Emotional boundaries: Protect your emotional energy. Example: “I care about you, but I’m not in a place to have this conversation right now.”
- Mental/Intellectual boundaries: Respect differing thoughts and beliefs. Example: “We can disagree, but I’d like to keep the conversation respectful.”
- Physical boundaries: Relate to personal space and physical contact. Example: “I’m not comfortable hugging people I don’t know well.”
- Time boundaries: Help you manage and protect your schedule at work and in your personal life. Example: “I’m only available for 30 minutes, but I’d love to catch up during that time.”
- Material boundaries: Set limits on sharing possessions or money. Example: “I’m not able to lend money, but I can help you think through other options.”
- Conversational boundaries: Define topics you’re willing to discuss. Example: “I’d rather not talk about politics at family gatherings.”
- Internal boundaries: Guide how you manage your energy, emotions, and choices. Example: “Even though I feel guilty, I need to rest today instead of saying yes to everything.”
Boundaries are most effective when they adapt to your current needs and energy levels—especially when navigating caregiving, chronic illness, or stress. What you’re available for may vary from day-to-day, and that’s OK.³
Each type of boundary helps you balance different parts of your life—your emotions, your time, your energy, and your peace.
Unhealthy vs. healthy boundaries
Not all boundaries are helpful. Too rigid, and they create distance. Too loose, and they can lead to burnout. Understanding the difference helps you recognize what’s working and what might need adjustment.
Healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries are flexible, clear, and respectful. They:
- Are communicated calmly and directly
- Honor your needs and others’
- Allow room for compromise
- Adapt to different situations
Healthy boundaries in relationships empower you to act in alignment with your values, communicate honestly, and navigate relationships with more trust and safety. In a friendship, this might mean asking for space without guilt. In a romantic context, it might mean needing alone time while still expressing love.
Boundaries also allow you to be more connected in your relationships. When you are able to interact with others in a way that’s respectful of your needs–as well as the other person’s–you can both engage more fully with each other.
Therapy can be a valuable tool for building this kind of self-awareness and communication. Different types of therapy can help you explore where your own boundaries are—and how to express them clearly and kindly.
Unhealthy boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries tend to be either rigid or porous.
Rigid boundaries may look like:
- Avoiding emotional closeness
- Never asking for help
- Cutting people off abruptly
- Refusing to compromise
Porous boundaries may include:
- Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
- Oversharing
- Absorbing others’ emotions
- Letting others disrespect your time or values⁴
Porous relationship boundaries may develop in relationships where emotional needs are blurred or overstretched. For instance, it may be harder to say “no” or prioritize your own care when you're deeply invested in helping others—especially in situations involving substance use and recovery. The sweet spot is a clear boundary that protects your well-being while supporting connection. Learning to recognize these extremes can help you shift toward more balanced and responsive boundaries.
Boundaries vs. control
It’s important to distinguish between boundaries and control. Boundaries focus on your behavior—what you will or won’t tolerate. Control focuses on changing someone else’s behavior.
- Boundary: “If you raise your voice, I’ll leave the conversation.”
- Control: “You’re not allowed to raise your voice.”
Boundaries are about self-respect. Control is about power. The difference lies in owning your response, not managing someone else’s actions.
Boundaries in toxic vs. healthy relationships
The relationship itself affects how firm a boundary needs to be.
- In toxic relationships, or relationships where there are patterns of manipulation, gaslighting, or chronic disrespect, strong, non-negotiable boundaries are often necessary. These may include limiting contact, keeping communication brief, or sticking to specific discussion topics to protect your emotional safety.
- In healthy relationships, there’s room for compromise and dialogue. For example, if you were to tell someone, “I’m overwhelmed and need space,” they might respond with something like, “Thanks for telling me—how can I help?” rather than getting defensive.
Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about making connection mutually beneficial and sustainable.
How to set healthy boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel awkward at first, but with practice, it builds clarity, confidence, and emotional resilience. Many people worry that setting boundaries will hurt others’ feelings or create conflict—but respectful limits can actually reduce tension, not create it.
Let’s review a few ways to help make boundary-setting feel more doable:
Step-by-step
Step 1: Identify your needs
Notice what leaves you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, drained, or resentful. These are signals that a boundary may be needed.
Step 2: Clarify the boundary
Decide which of your own behavior or patterns needs to change. What would support your well-being?²
Step 3: Communicate clearly and kindly
Use calm, direct “I” statements, like “I feel,” or “I need.” Keep your tone neutral and your message simple. You don’t need to over-explain.
Step 4: Be consistent
Reinforce your boundary by sticking to it. This builds clarity and trust over time³.
Step 5: Give yourself permission
It’s normal to feel discomfort or guilt at first. But you’re allowed to prioritize your needs. Boundaries are a form of self-care.³
Even small, low-stakes boundaries—like not answering messages right away or saying no to a favor—can help you build confidence. Practice makes progress.
What if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?
Even with clear communication, some people may ignore or dismiss your boundaries. This can be especially difficult when the person is a loved one, close friend, family member, or someone in a position of authority. Here's how to respond:
- Reinforce your message. Calmly repeat your boundary: “Like I said, I’m not going to talk about that topic at this time.”
- State a consequence. Set a limit: “If this continues, I’ll need to take a break from our conversations.”
- Limit or end contact. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that consistently disrespects your boundaries.
- Get support. A therapist or mental health professional can help you navigate difficult dynamics, stay grounded, and explore next steps.
Some people who have not yet learned to set their own boundaries may react strongly or defensively when you set a boundary—especially if they struggle with emotional regulation, empathy, or assertiveness. Remember, boundaries don’t require someone else’s agreement—they just require your clarity and commitment. Over time, holding your limits teaches others how to treat you. If there’s mutual care and a desire to reconnect, repairing the relationship is possible.
Boundaries are a form of care—for yourself and others
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re tools for clarity, connection, and self-respect. When you set and uphold them, you protect your energy and create space for stronger, healthier relationships.
You don’t have to figure it out alone. A mental health professional can help you identify your needs, strengthen your confidence, and build healthier dynamics.
Psych Hub can connect you to providers who care for your emotional and mental health—how, when, and where you need it. Whether you're feeling stressed about how a relationship is going, or dealing with feelings of isolation and loneliness, Psych Hub is here to help. With access to expert providers, digital tools, and research-backed methods, it’s easier than ever to find care that works for you. Learn more about Psych Hub today.
FAQs
How do you know if you lack boundaries?
What are examples of boundaries being broken?
How do I set a boundary without being rude?
Why do some people struggle to set boundaries?
How can a people-pleaser set boundaries?
Sources
Related Resources
Real, authentic relationships are essential for our wellbeing. Learn from experts how to build lasting and genuine connections with just a few simple shifts.
A therapist explains what holding space really means, how to hold space for someone, when it’s appropriate, and why it’s an effective way to give support.
From platonic to romantic, relationships in their various forms play a crucial role in our lives. Fostering strong and healthy relationships allows us to navigate life's challenges more effectively.
Attachment theory explains how early caregiver relationships shape emotional bonds and behaviors in adulthood—impacting everything from romance and friendship to workplace dynamics.
Join the 30 million people who've turned to Psych Hub for mental health guidance.
