Attachment Styles (And Why They Matter)

Introduction

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explores how early relationships with caregivers shape emotional bonds and behaviors in adulthood. These patterns, known as attachment styles, influence how individuals interact in romantic relationships, friendships, and even work dynamics.¹ While attachment styles are influential, they’re not fixed. With awareness and effort, individuals can shift toward a more secure attachment, building stronger, more fulfilling relationships.²

Attachment Styles

There are four primary attachment styles:³

Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style generally have a positive view of themselves and others. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and they tend to form healthy, stable relationships.

Example: Leila and Alek are in a committed relationship. They both communicate openly, trust each other, and feel secure in their bond. When Leila has a tough day at work, Alek listens empathetically, offering support without trying to "fix" the situation. Similarly, when Alek needs space to unwind, Leila respects his boundaries, trusting that their relationship is strong enough to withstand brief periods of independence. Their ability to balance closeness with autonomy creates a healthy, stable relationship. 

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and approval but may fear abandonment. They can be highly sensitive to relationship cues and may struggle with insecurity, leading to clinginess or overdependence.

Example: Ari and Morgan have been close friends for over two years, but Ari often feels insecure about their relationship. If Morgan doesn’t text back right away or seems distracted, Ari becomes anxious and assumes Morgan is not invested in their friendship. Ari sometimes over-texts, asks for reassurance, or acts clingy, causing Morgan to pull away. Despite Morgan’s reassurances, Ari’s anxiety continues to escalate, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. 

Avoidant Attachment

Those with an avoidant attachment style often value independence and may resist closeness or emotional intimacy. They may appear distant or emotionally unavailable, often due to past experiences where expressing vulnerability was not safe. 

Example: Ren and Emory have been married for several years. Ren enjoys spending time together and often wants to discuss their feelings and talk about the future of their relationship. However, Emory frequently distances themselves emotionally. When Ren tries to discuss important matters, Emory might shut down, change the subject, or become defensive. Ren feels frustrated and disconnected, while Emory feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity and feels the need to retreat into their own space. 

Disorganized Attachment

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style may have experienced inconsistent or traumatic caregiving in childhood. As a result, they may exhibit conflicting behaviors in relationships, such as seeking closeness but simultaneously pushing others away due to fear. 

Example:  Alex has a deep desire for love and affection, but also fears being hurt or abandoned. In his friendship with Erin, Alex might initially seek emotional closeness but then feels vulnerable or overwhelmed and pulls away suddenly. When Erin tries to offer support, Alex sometimes lashes out or withdraws, leaving Erin confused and unsure of how to respond. This pattern creates instability in their relationship, as Alex’s conflicting desires for intimacy and self-protection create emotional turbulence. 

While most people tend to have a dominant style of attachment which is displayed in most of their relationships, it is possible for an individual’s attachment style to vary somewhat depending on the specific relationship.

Example: While Ari’s attachment style in most relationships is somewhat anxious, in her relationship with her best friend Mary, she has developed a secure attachment. Over many years of friendship, Ari has experienced Mary to be trustworthy and dependable. While she initially worried that Mary may lose interest in their friendship and sometimes misinterpreted Mary’s actions or words, she has learned that she can discuss her feelings with her friend in a safe and supportive manner. Ari no longer feels the need for constant reassurance from Mary, and trusts that they will remain close friends even when they have periods of less frequent contact. 

The Importance of Attachment Styles

Understanding attachment styles is crucial because they influence how people connect with others throughout their lives. Recognizing and understanding one's attachment style can promote self-awareness and provide insights for improving relationships, both personal and professional.⁴ 

In romantic relationships, attachment styles can impact communication, conflict resolution, and overall satisfaction.⁵ 

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may misinterpret their partner's actions and become overly dependent, while a partner with an avoidant style might withdraw or shut down during emotional discussions. 

Attachment styles also affect how individuals manage stress and handle emotions. Securely attached individuals tend to have better coping mechanisms and healthier emotional regulation, while those with insecure attachment styles may struggle with anxiety or avoidance in the face of challenges.^6,7 

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may struggle in a work setting when they do not consistently receive positive feedback from a supervisor. In contrast, someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel extremely uncomfortable with receiving any feedback at work.  

Understanding your attachment style can lead to improved relationships, increased self-awareness, and can even contribute to healing from past experiences.  

Sources

1.    Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.

2.    Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.58.2.281

3.    Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

4.    Sroufe, L. A. (1982). The organization of emotional development. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 1(4), 575–599. https://doi.org/10.1080/07351698209533421

5.    Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult Romantic Attachment: Theoretical Developments, Emerging Controversies, and Unanswered Questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132

6.    Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

7.    Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226