Resources / Loneliness / Holding Space: How to Really Be There for Someone
10 min read
Last updated 4/24/25
By: Abigail Green, MA
Clinical Reviewer: Jill Donelan, PsyD
Holding Space: Why ‘Let Me Know If You Need Anything’ Isn’t Enough
Lately, the term “holding space” seems to be everywhere––on social media, podcasts, and TV talk shows––with people using it in well-meaning ways to describe supporting friends or loved ones through tough times. It sounds good, but it’s a little vague. What does it mean to hold space for someone? And how do you do so in a way that is supportive to the other person and yourself?
In this article, we’ll dive into the concept and practice of holding space. But first, let’s start with what it’s not: Holding space goes beyond telling someone who’s struggling, “Let me know if you need anything” or “I’m here for you.” These well-intentioned platitudes often fall flat because they don’t address a specific need. Instead, they place the burden on others to ask for help when they are already overwhelmed.
There’s a better way to support the people in your life. We’ll show you how to hold space for someone—and when it’s time to call in a professional mental health expert.
What does “holding space” mean?
While it may seem like “holding space” is a trendy new phrase, the concept has deep roots. The “holding environment” was coined by English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott in the 1960s.1 While it initially referred to the physical act of a mother holding her baby to attend to the child’s needs, Winnicott’s holding environment theory has since evolved past therapy-speak to refer to creating a safe space for someone, with the intention of helping that person heal.
The phrase “holding space” gained wider attention in 2015, when Canadian author Heather Plett popularized the term in a blog post that went viral:
Plett noted that anyone can hold space for another person. It’s something that all of us can do for our friends, work colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances we come across in daily life. While no list of tips will apply to every circumstance, here are some best practices from Plett and other sources on how to hold space for someone.
- A friend is grieving the loss of a parent or loved one
- A colleague has been laid off from their job
- A neighbor has experienced a flood, fire, or sudden loss of their home
- An acquaintance is going through a divorce
- A family member has received a frightening health diagnosis
Holding space for someone can also be helpful and supportive in situations––like when your child has been cut from a sports team or received a poor grade on a test, an acquaintance from the dog park lost a beloved pet, or a stranger on a plane is facing their fear of flying.
How to hold space, well
For most of us, holding space takes practice. When someone comes to us with a problem, it can be tempting to jump in with advice and try to fix the issue. It’s also common to want to share our own similar experiences or offer what worked for us. But problem-solving and centering ourselves is not holding space for another person. To hold space effectively, we need to do—and not do—a few specific things.
Tips for holding space for someone
After her viral blog post, Plett went on to author the book "The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership" and co-founded the Centre for Holding Space. She notes that holding space is a complex practice that is unique to each person and each situation. While no list of tips will apply to every circumstance, here are some best practices from Plett and other sources on how to hold space for someone.
Be fully present with them. First and foremost, holding space requires being present with another person without distractions. Offer them your full attention. Put away your phone, resist the urge to interrupt, and give them verbal and non-verbal cues to show that you’re actively listening. You don’t have to be looking at each other face to face; you can listen and have a meaningful conversation just as well while walking or riding in a car together. In fact, sometimes this takes away the pressure of making eye contact and allows the other person to be vulnerable and open up more.
Listen with empathy. Empathizing is the ability to understand and feel compassion for another person’s emotions or experiences. Empathy in a relationship fosters connection and support, builds trust, and improves communication. Research has shown that clients in therapy experiencing empathy through treatment have improved outcomes.2 But you don’t have to be a mental health expert to practice listening with empathy. Try to reflect the other person’s feelings by saying something like, “I can hear how overwhelming this experience is for you right now,” and letting the conversation flow from there.
Allow others to trust their own intuition. Even if someone has not dealt with a particular situation before, they often intuitively know what they need to do. Give them permission and space to do so. It might be to vent their frustration, have a good cry, or distract themselves with a favorite movie. Let the person know that there is no “right” way to feel or respond. They simply need to trust themselves and their own intuition about what feels right to them in the moment.
Offer only as much information as they ask for. The time may come when a friend or loved one asks for advice or resources. Holding space for someone requires letting them make those requests in their own time when they feel ready. Sending them articles or advising them to take certain steps may be overwhelming and unwelcome when they are still processing their feelings.
Let them make different decisions than you would. Perhaps you would never forgive a friend who lied to you. Maybe you would pursue the most aggressive treatment available if you got a life-threatening diagnosis. But that would not be the right decision for everyone. To hold space for another person, we must be willing to accept that they might make different decisions than we would in their situation. Trust that they know what is best for them.
Hold space for yourself first. Being there for someone going through a tough time can take a toll on us if we are not mindful of our own emotions and boundaries. Holding space in a relationship doesn’t mean taking on another person’s burden that isn’t yours to carry. Be honest about your capacity, practice self-compassion and self-care, and don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re at your limit. That may be the time to refer a loved one to a professional.
Other ways to give (and get) support
There’s no shame in not having the capacity to hold space for someone. Knowing your limits and protecting your boundaries is important for your own well-being. There are other ways we can support people. Mental health professionals are trained to hold space for clients in a safe and therapeutic environment.
Remember, Psych Hub’s support is always available for you and your loved ones. Visit our free care navigation service to explore mental health support options.
Let us guide you.
FAQs
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