Resources / Loneliness / How to Build Authentic Relationships: Beyond Small Talk
10 min read
Last updated 4/24/25
By: Psych Hub
Clinical Reviewer: Jill Donelan, PsyD
Beyond Small Talk: How to Build Meaningful and Authentic Relationships
In 1938, scientists at Harvard University began tracking the health of 168 students to determine which factors most influenced overall health and happiness over a lifetime.¹ With more than 80 years of research compiled, the key to living a long, happy life became clear: close, healthy relationships. In fact, scientists discovered that satisfaction in relationships with family, friends, and community was often a better predictor for strong physical and emotional well-being than even genetics.
But building meaningful relationships doesn’t come easily for everyone. Genuine relationships require people to be engaged, supportive, and nurturing of their connection. Open communication is key to building trust. And, it helps to be vulnerable and create safe spaces that support being your authentic self in relationships.
That’s a tall task in today’s busy, tech-driven world. According to a 2025 Pew Research survey, about 1 in 6 American adults feels lonely or isolated from others all or most of the time––including almost a quarter of adults under 30.² But meaningful relationships can begin at any age, so there’s no reason to give up on creating new bonds.
Let’s explore some of the strategies for building authentic relationships and creating genuine connections that stand the test of time.
What is authenticity in relationships?
Simply put, living authenticity means being true to yourself. While it seems easy enough, how does someone truly know if they are being authentic with themselves, let alone in relationships?
Perhaps a better way to think about this is by exploring the authenticity scale developed by researchers in 2008.³ That scale measures authenticity across three dimensions:
- Authentic living: Do you understand your values and beliefs, and do you intentionally align your actions and your words with those values?
- Self-alienation: Are there big differences between how you feel and how you act that creates a sense of disconnection from yourself?
- Accepting external influence: To what extent do external factors, like friends or societal pressure, influence the way that you act or cause you to make decisions that don’t align with your values?4
Of course, it's not ideal to cave to peer pressure and move through the world as somebody you’re not, simply because others tell you to. But building relationships also requires being open to new information and perspectives that can reshape or even challenge your values. To do so, it helps to find the balance between being true to yourself, allowing for personal growth, and conforming to preferences of the people in your life.
The first step to building authentic connections with others is developing self-awareness and getting to know your authentic self. Understanding your values, emotions, and communication style can foster deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Self-awareness also involves identifying personal triggers, strengths, and vulnerabilities, allowing for genuine interactions. By embracing authenticity, setting boundaries, and practicing self-reflection, you attract like-minded connections.
If you’re unsure whether your relationships are rooted in authenticity, consider asking yourself the following questions:
- Do I feel comfortable sharing my honest opinions with the other person?
- Do I change the way I act when I am with them and, if so, why?
- Have I felt pressure to do something that I typically wouldn’t and how did that make me feel?
- Do others share their thoughts or opinions with me, even when they know I may have different viewpoints?
- Have my values evolved over time and how has that impacted my relationships?
It’s also important to remember that being real in a relationship doesn’t necessarily give people an excuse to say anything that’s on their mind, especially if that perspective is hurtful.6 Tact and consideration for other’s feelings is still important when managing interpersonal connections. Intentionally focusing on another person’s negative traits under the guise of being authentic will likely do more harm than good for relationship building. Again, self-awareness is key.
Why do we struggle to form genuine connections?
In addition to a lack of self-awareness, there are many reasons why someone may struggle forming sincere, deep relationships. Some of those reasons may trace back to childhood.
Attachment theory explores how early experiences with caregivers shape the behaviors people bring into relationships as adults.7 Decades of research suggest there are four primary attachment styles:
- Secure attachment: When children feel safe and comforted by caregivers, it sets the stage for them to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, enabling them to form healthy relationships later in life. These children tend to grow into adults with better self-esteem, which helps them to feel secure in being their authentic selves.
- Anxious attachment: Inconsistent caregiving at an early age––like when a parent faces financial instability or struggles with depression––can lead to heightened sensitivity due to insecurity and fear of abandonment. This can manifest in clinginess or people-pleasing behaviors to establish closeness with others.
- Avoidant attachment: Those who grew up with caregivers who weren’t as aware of or invested in meeting their emotional needs may become emotionally unavailable themselves. Their reluctance to form intimate relationships may stem from discomfort with vulnerability, as they may have had experiences when displaying an authentic need was met with anger or brushed off by their caregivers.
- Disorganized attachment: Children who experienced traumatic events, such as abuse, can form trust issues in relationships as they grow into adults. Because their caregivers may have been a source of both comfort and fear, they may fluctuate between seeking closeness and creating distance to protect themselves.
Healing attachment wounds for healthy relationships
Unsurprisingly, researchers found that those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are less likely to be authentic in their relationships and may exhibit behaviors like lying to friends and family. This dishonesty isn’t necessarily malicious; rather, it often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or a desire to maintain emotional security.8
The good news is that it's possible to change your attachment style. By addressing your attachment patterns through self-awareness and personal growth, individuals can cultivate more honest and therefore fulfilling relationships.
Working with a therapist can help you explore attachment-related fears and heal past wounds, enabling you to bring your authentic self to your relationships. Specific therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)9 or Internal Family Systems (IFS)10 are designed to address attachment challenges, but you may find other therapy approaches can be effective as well.11
If you want to learn more, take our well-being assessment to find care options that fit your unique needs and connect you with tools to understand your attachment style.
Tips for attracting authentic relationships
In addition to therapy, there are other ways to learn how to be authentic in a relationship and develop genuine friendships.
- Focus on yourself first. When a connection is off, it’s tempting to automatically assume the issue lies with the other person. But authenticity begins with understanding yourself, first. Developing self-awareness brings clarity about your own values and the kind of person you want to be––so you can bring that version of yourself to relationships.
- Understand what makes you feel secure. Think about the people you feel most connected to and why. What makes you feel safe and comfortable being yourself with them, and how does that compare to other relationships? Look for these patterns when forming new connections.
- Recognize trauma bonding vs. authentic bonding. Though often misused, the term “trauma bonding” isn’t about shared struggles—it refers to an emotional attachment formed with an abuser through repeated cycles of manipulation. Trauma bonding can mimic genuine connections but is often rooted in unhealthy attachment patterns. Understanding the difference between a secure attachment and emotional dependency can help you foster healthier, more supportive relationships.
- Disconnect to connect. Put phones down, be in the present moment, and turn on your active listening skills to connect with the person in front of you. Doing so creates space for open communication and helps others feel seen and heard. By being intentional in your interactions and fostering a safe space for vulnerability, you can build stronger, more meaningful relationships.
- Get comfortable with conflict. It’s hard to show up as your fully authentic self when others dictate what you say and do. Although conflict can be awkward, being able to navigate disagreements allows you to establish important boundaries in relationships and communicate with honesty.
- Practice what you preach. Healthy relationships and open communication are a two-way street. Check in with your friends and family to get a sense of whether they feel comfortable being themselves with you. They may be struggling to express a disconnect and crave a conversation to get your relationship back on track.
Connection is closer than you think
Long-term relationships take time to build––or rebuild. But being intentional in a relationship will help secure trust, strengthen connection, and encourage open communication.
Along the way, show self-love by honoring your life experiences. After all, your personal story made you who you are. The right people will be interested in getting to know the real you.
And remember, you don’t have to navigate these challenges on your own. Psych Hub’s support is always available for you and your loved ones. Explore therapy options by checking out our no-cost care navigation services.
Let us guide you.
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