Introduction

Attachment theory, introduced by psychologist John Bowlby, examines how our early connections with caregivers shape the way we form emotional bonds and navigate relationships throughout life. There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These attachment styles impact how we relate to others in romantic partnerships, friendships, and even professional settings.¹ While these patterns play a significant role, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and intentional effort, individuals can move toward a more secure attachment style, fostering healthier and more rewarding relationships.²

Identifying Your Attachment Style

Identifying your attachment style involves self-reflection and an honest assessment of how you approach relationships.³ 

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you figure it out:

1. Reflect on your relationships: Do you crave closeness, pull away, or feel a mix of both? How do you handle conflict or emotional intimacy? Are you open, guarded, or overly dependent on others? - Look for patterns in how you behave, especially under stress.
2. Examine your emotional responses: Do you often feel anxious about being abandoned or not loved enough? - Do you tend to avoid sharing your feelings or distance yourself when others get too close? - Do you feel comfortable balancing independence with emotional intimacy?
3. Review past experiences: Think about your childhood. Were your caregivers reliable and emotionally supportive, or were they inconsistent, unavailable, or overly intrusive? - Consider how those early experiences might shape your current behavior in relationships. 
4. Pay attention to your communication style: Individuals with secure attachments communicate openly, manage conflict calmly, and trust others. People who are anxiously attached may over-communicate or need frequent reassurance from others. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles may avoid discussing emotions and prefer keeping things surface-level.
5. Seek feedback: Trusted friends, family, or a therapist may notice patterns you’re not aware of. Ask for their observations about your relational tendencies. 
6. Work with a therapist: If you are still unsure or want to dive deeper, a therapist can help you explore your attachment style and guide you toward greater self-awareness and security.

It is important to remember that attachment styles are not black and white, nor are they permanent. Instead, you can think of attachment as a helpful framework for understanding yourself. Over the course of your life, through various relationships your attachment styles may evolve, and with effort you can develop healthier and more secure ways of relating to others.

Strengthening Your Attachments

If you identify that you’re not securely attached—whether due to an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style—there are steps you can take to improve your attachment patterns and foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. 

Improving your attachment style requires self-awareness, effort, and practice. Below are some of the interpersonal skills that support positive relationships and secure attachment. For each skill, there are specific behaviors you can practice to build your skills.  

Skill: Self-Awareness

• Identify Triggers: Reflect on situations where you feel anxious, avoidant, or conflicted in relationships. 
• Recognize Patterns: Pay attention to recurring behaviors, like seeking constant reassurance (anxious) or withdrawing emotionally (avoidant). 
• Understand Your Past: Explore how your early relationships shaped your attachment tendencies. 

Skill: Emotional Regulation

• Mindfulness: Stay present with your emotions without reacting impulsively. Techniques like meditation or deep breathing can help.
• Identify and Name Your Emotions: Labeling your feelings (e.g., “I feel abandoned”) can reduce their intensity and help you respond thoughtfully. 
• Pause Before Acting: When triggered, take a moment to reflect before seeking reassurance or pulling away. 

Skill: Clear Communication

• Express Needs Clearly: Use “I feel” and “I need” statements to communicate emotions without blaming others (e.g., “I feel hurt when you cancel plans; I need to feel prioritized”).
• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner without interrupting or assuming the worst. 
• Be Vulnerable: Share your thoughts and feelings gradually as trust develops. 

Skill: Strengthen Boundaries

• Set Clear Limits: Identify what is and is not ok in your relationships, and recognize when you’re overextending yourself emotionally. 
• Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently: Practice saying no when necessary
• Respect Others’ Boundaries: Avoid smothering (anxious) or overly distancing (avoidant) behaviors. 

Skill: Build Trust Gradually

• Take Small Risks: Share minor vulnerabilities and see how others respond. Positive feedback can build confidence. 
• Be Patient: Trust takes time; focus on consistency in your behavior and relationships.

Skill: Practice Self-Compassion

• Acknowledge Growth: Celebrate small wins and progress, even if it feels slow.
• Be Kind to Yourself: Remember that attachment patterns are learned behaviors that can change with time and effort. --- Improving your attachment style is a gradual process. 

Remember, improving your attachment style is a gradual process. With consistency and a willingness to grow, you can foster healthier relationships and greater emotional security. To avoid becoming overwhelmed, pick 2-3 behaviors to practice at a time and add others once you feel confident with those skills. Remember to stick with your goals, even if it doesn’t seem to be making a difference at first!  

Additionally, you may benefit from working with a therapist to develop your interpersonal skills and improve your attachment styles. A therapist can help you explore attachment-related fears, heal past wounds, and develop healthier patterns. Specific therapeutic approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)⁴ or Internal Family Systems (IFS)⁵ are designed to address attachment challenges, but you may find that other therapy approaches can be effective as well.⁶

Explore therapy options by checking out our care navigation services or take our well-being assessment to find care options that fit your unique needs.

Sources

1. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.
2.  Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.58.2.281
3. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
4. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Emotionally focused therapy: Principles and practice. Guilford press.
5. Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, S. (2012). Internal family systems therapy. Guilford press.
6. Weston, D. R. (2015). Adult attachment theory and therapy: A clinician's guide. Routledge.