Relationship Boundaries: Setting Yourself Up for Success

What are Relationship Boundaries?

Boundaries in relationships are essentially the line we draw between what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are unacceptable.¹  Healthy boundaries help us to maintain a sense of self, preserve our ability for self-care, and also build and maintain healthy relationships and connections with others.²

There are many different types of relationship boundaries:³ 

Physical boundaries refer to our comfort with regards to  physical “personal space” and physical touch.  

Emotional boundaries are the extent to which individuals in a relationship can both share their own feelings and also differentiate their own emotions from the emotions of someone else.

Time boundaries are the limits around how you spend your time and the extent to which you allow others to influence your decisions about how to spend your time. 

Other types of boundaries include financial boundaries (how you spend your money and the extent to which you are comfortable discussing your finances), digital boundaries (the limits you set around your digital devices and information on those devices), or sexual boundaries (such as how frequently, with whom, and how you engage in sexual activity).  

Boundaries are relationship-specific, meaning that the closeness that feels comfortable with a close friend may be very different from what feels comfortable with a work colleague or acquaintance. Boundaries can also change as a relationship evolves over time.  

Developing Healthy Boundaries

The key to healthy boundaries is balance.  Boundaries that are too rigid can result in social isolation, whereas boundaries that are too flexible can result in feelings of resentment.   Healthy boundaries allow us to say “no” when we want or need to, and also allow us to develop strong connections with others. 

Healthy boundaries are only effective when you are able to clearly and consistently communicate them to others.⁴

Communication of healthy boundaries can look like: 

“I am not a hugger. Let’s shake hands instead.”(physical boundary)

“I understand that you are angry with me, but it is not ok for you to call me names.” (emotional boundaries)

“I am not able to accept your invitation, as my Saturdays are for spending time with my family” (time boundary)

For those who are new to setting boundaries in their relationships, here are a few tips to get you started. 

1. Show respect for others, even when you are upset or have to set a challenging boundary. 
2. Practice saying “no”.  In situations where this feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, take your time to respond or plan ahead for how you might set the boundary so you are prepared.
3. Check-in with yourself.  Are your boundaries allowing you to meet your own needs– both for personal space and for connection? 
4. Be consistent, you may have to communicate the same boundary several times, particularly if the other person is used to interacting with you in a certain way. 

Final Thoughts

Healthy boundaries are vital to supporting our individuality and self-care as well as our connections with others.  Setting healthy boundaries includes developing an awareness of your own preferences and limits as well as clearly communicating those to other people.  

Setting boundaries can be new or uncomfortable at first, if you are not used to it.  If you find that you routinely struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you may benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist who can help you build healthy boundaries in your relationships.  

Sources:

1. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

2. Henry, E. (2008). The importance of boundaries in relationships. The Psychotherapy Networker, 32(4), 34-39.

3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2001). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.

4. McKay, M., & Fanning, P. (2016). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. New Harbinger Publications.